The Buzzfeed Effect
Top 10 reasons NOT to read this Substack
Grayson speaking.
BOY sometimes it is a struggle around here! In the world, I mean. It would help to have some order to things and, I dunno, maybe some wholesome debates over cultural touchstones to bring people who know about these things closer to one another.
Enter: lists.
I cannot think of one engine more catastrophically effective at ingraining lists into contemporary culture than—you know it, you love it, you hate it—Buzzfeed. In its heyday, Buzzfeed was a trove of both pertinent internet knowledge and various means of self-exploration. I was one of the afflicted, sitting in the big leather chair in the corner of our study and plumbing its depths. Buzzfeed is most notorious for its endless quizzes: thousands of ways for finding one’s true self on the internet, which at the time seemed like a pretty fine place to look. At last, I—and anyone else I came in contact with who would yield their cooperation—could finally figure out what Disney villain/breakfast food/New Girl character/mythical creature/fruit/vegetable/weird hat I actually was. Talk about containing multitudes!
Besides these quizzes, Buzzfeed dealt handily in what they claimed were “Definitive” rankings. These became my consumption of choice. One in particular I remember poring over was the Definitive ranking of all 43 characters on Lost, my then, now, and probably forever favorite show. It was the sort of thing I’d mull over, like actually causing me frustration that so-and-so was at a certain spot, debating no-one in my head. I still remember who was in first place (it’s the dog).
I was also obsessed with WatchMojo top 10s and award shows in general (I’m wondering if the Kids’ Choice Awards is what got me into all this?). But most of all, in the big chair in the corner next to the wall of books, I would diligently check the iTunes top songs list, which would undergo a seismic shift on Fridays when most new music comes out. At that time—middle school—it was for some reason very important to me what songs were set in the upper echelon.
I would cross-reference these with what I would hear on the Top 40 radio that played on the school bus. Sometimes this paid off: I would mostly listen to my own music on the bus while faintly hearing the radio through my earbuds, and occasionally a song I owned would come on the bus speakers, so I would sync it on my iPod to play at the exact same time and believe I was having some kind of 4-D music experience.
I would even get sad if someone I wanted to be on the list didn’t make it. I distinctly remember when T.I., who I was a fan of largely because of “Dead and Gone” with Justin Timberlake, released the album Trouble Man: Heavy is the Head. It didn’t even get close to #1, and I felt so bad that I bought four songs that I liked the most for that good ol’ $1.29 a piece. Clean versions of course.
And vice versa: when an artist I liked occupied the top spot, it was a feeling like your home team winning the game. It felt like something to brag about.
The list was especially useful knowledge when trying to socialize. If somebody played the new Pitbull, if they had that Kelly Clarkson ringtone, I knew that song because it was popular and therefore, in my mind, cool. This was the goal, really: to attain coolness. Or at least to not be awkward, a constant battle I often lost. Now, of course, I wish I had worried less about this.
Although if this was the case, I might have given emo music more of a chance in middle school, and things would have turned out much, much differently (I shiver at the thought). Eventually, this top-ranked music I felt I should like ended up being something I actually enjoyed. The 2010s were a truly glorious time for pop music.
Perhaps lists can actually have some gravity to them. If there was one faint glimmer of joy in 2020, it was the great hosts of decade-ending rankings. I mainly checked out the music ones, and it felt like something concrete. (Pitchfork reviews seem very hoity-toity to me, but they put their whole foot into lists which put me on to a few things, i.e. Bill Callahan. I like that Blonde is their #1 spot for the 2010s.)
Earlier this year, British film magazine Sight and Sound unveiled the results of a prestigious once-in-a-decade poll of best movies of all time, and Nashville’s own Belcourt Theater played the top 10, so that’s pretty cool! M and I were able to see Singin’ in the Rain on the big screen (life changing, which of course entered my own coveted top 10 movie list and after a second viewing is maybe even top one) and Vertigo (bad).
I’ve even realized that when I am listening to a new album, if the album cover is good and the first few seconds are good, I think to myself “this could be my new favorite album”. Then, every time, it is not. I have learned that my favorites are often ones that I didn’t gel with at first. (Of last year: Alvvays’s Blue Rev. Of all time, in a consistently shifting spot: Black Country New Road’s For the first time) It’s an interesting feeling when you realize something is your favorite album. Very matter of fact, like when your vision adjusts and you are able to see something clearly, like oh! Obviously!
Buzzfeed is a different beast now, but just visiting their home page confirms that they are just as prolific as ever. Though they do seem to be mostly reaching with their quizzes:
It does indeed seem my love for rankings is everlasting.1 But these days, I am safe in the knowledge that they are mostly inconsequential. Plus, much like Buzzfeed quizzes, I am learning that lists can be used for self-actualization. After M took a week-long class on flourishing, she instructed me to list 50 things that brought me joy, meaning, or connection. I did this on a park bench, at sunset, and it was nice. Among the list: cold water, good buttons, funny people.
On the other hand, here’s something I whipped up with a little input from M and our dear friend Tova: an inarguable, DEFINITIVE ranking of all hours of the day.2 And by inarguable, I mean please give me your argument for best/worst hours of the day.
6 PM
10 AM
8 PM
5 AM
7 PM
12 AM
10 PM
9 PM
5 PM
8 AM
6 AM
9 AM
12 PM
7 AM
1 PM
11 AM
2 PM
4 PM
11 PM
1 AM
2 AM
4 AM
3 AM
3 PM
One needs their pointless hills to die on.
Relevant Recs:
A ranking of Top Ten Numbers from the Letterman show
Some Buzzfeed quizzes for immediate soul searching:
This crazy WatchMojo list of weird music genres, featuring Pirate Metal and Crunkcore
Lost. It’s on Hulu. I will always ride for this show and will gladly talk about it at length.
Super-married moment: Summer before college, M threw me an award-show themed birthday party where I won every award. We still have the trophies.
Stipulation: these are waking hours, and all days of the year are considered.